Struggling to survive 2011

I have noticed something about me recently. I seem to be having control issues with food and may have developed a SLIGHT eating disorder again. What I mean by control issues, is that I always have to eat food in a certain order. For example if there are veggies on my plate, I have to separate the foods so they don’t touch and then I eat all the peas first, then the carrots etc. I never mix foods on my fork, like mashed potato and peas or meat etc. All food must be eaten individually.
I’m also not eating as much as I used to and am a lot more aware of what I am and aren’t eating. Yes I am trying to lose weight too. And I have been restricting. I don’t believe it’s a major issue yet though and hopefully it won’t become one.

It’s 2:30am and I haven’t slept yet. I can’t sleep. I’m wide awake, my mind is racing and my skin feels like its crawling. I feel like I have a million awesome ideas in my head. And that I don’t need sleep. I feel invincible. Perhaps I am?!

So since its been a while since I have blogged I thought I better give you all an update on what’s going on with me.
• I am off my medication for my bipolar and bpd at the moment. By my choice. Decided to see how I go without it as I feel I currently don’t need it. I have a good support network watching out for me and if things get crazy then they will let me know and I will start taking it again.
•I have been sick for the last 3 weeks with a bad cold which has now developed into an extreme cough that makes me vomit and not be able to breath. My whole body is aching as well now. Hopefully it will go soon.
• My fiancé’s brother has been living with us. I think I will do a separate post about this topic to explain more.
• I now have bright purple streaks through my hair.
• I am going to Queensland with my fiancé for the long weekend which will also be my birthday. Will be nice to spend some time with my best friend and his girlfriend. I feel safe and relaxed around them and happy.
• I have cut myself twice in recent weeks, once was pure self harm and a lapse on my behalf the second time I was trying to remove an itchy lump thing from my arm that was driving me insane. For the record I wasn’t successful. It bled a lot and went for about a week and now as its healed it’s back and itchy still. Plus scarred. Epic fail.
• I am currently in the process of quitting smoking. Finally. I am using being sick to my advantage. I had no smokes yesterday and only 1 and a half on Sunday. Big achievement so far for me.
That’s the main things that I can think of right now. I’m sure there is probably things I am forgetting. But oh well.

So I took a long break from tumblr and have now decided to start blogging again. Things got a bit much for me for a whole there and I didn’t want to write or think about things. But I have realised that blogging is good therapy for me and good to get things off my chest.
Basically a lot of shit has been happening, not all of it very nice. Quick run down, I have a dark past that re-surfaced much to my despair. My best friend managed to get information about my past out of me that I had not shared with anyone because he asked the questions that needed asking. It actually felt good to tell someone and get it off my chest finally. It’s something I have held inside of me for a very long time.
Basically I’m not going to go into details but it involves being raped, abused physically and emotionally and sometimes not knowing if I was going to survive the day or get killed. Does the past still affect me? Yes, mainly when I’m at my most vulnerable which is often when I’m asleep and the nightmares come. Do I think I deserved it? Yes. I don’t think I am a very good person. Its something I struggle with.
Things have improved and I seem to have got away reality unscathed when it came back to haunt me in recent weeks. Situation mostly appears to be dealt with now thank god.
I really appreciate my best friend digging deep and looking into my past. It has actually helped a lot more then I think he realises. And it’s nice to know that someone knows and I can talk about it to him if I really need to. It’s a big relief.
Has my past fucked me up? Most likely. It’s hard to walk away from something like that completely unscathed. I have blocked a lot of it out and disconnected myself from a lot of it. I try to pretend it happened to someone else. I try to not let it ruin who I am though. I can’t give the people responsible that satisfaction. Yes I punish myself for it sometimes. But not as much as I probably could.
Why am I bringing it up now and talking about it? Well for starters I have been having nightmares and flashbacks about it tonight. So I thought it might be good to get it off my chest. I have never spoke about it before because I was trying to block it out and had never really spoke to anyone about it before. But now it has surfaced due to some gentle probing by the bestie a few weeks ago so I decided if I put it down in writing it might help to bring some closure. Maybe.
Anyways it’s exhausting talking about it now. So that’s enough for now. And to my best friend, thank you for asking the hard questions. :)